Well I'm neither suicidal or pregnant it was the excuse and reason my husband left for another woman. But I can tell you that learning to live with knowing this has made me realise how lonely it hurts.
I have all the friends anyone could ask for. In my separation I gained so much support from both my inlaws and from my husbands friends and colleagues that that strengthened me enormously. But still I have the feeling of not having anyone truly to share my feelings with.
My husbands affair began when a friend kept calling my husband saying that without him she was suicidal. This I could not handle I gave him the choice and he chose her over me, saying I could not force him to make him choose. This is how she caught her 2nd husband and her 3rd husband and had numerous affairs on them screaming in the work place over the phone to numerous men. Well with her 2nd and her 3rd she was pregnant within 2 months. MY HUSBAND IT TOOK 4 MONTHS. Little bit slow to secure a man but she did it.
Now I'm just waiting to see how long before she leaves him and lives off his child support and anything else she can suck out of him.
How hard is it to say how you really feel to people. 20 years I was with him to this nothing overnight. Most times now I sit and think how easy it would have been to move on if he had of just passed from this world. Is that wrong? I know there are days that my hate builds when he provokes me, intimidates me or threatens me with not giving in to his divorce settlement that I wish him dead, but honestly I think grief from him dying and not leaving would have been so much easier on me.
I have a child to him, there is no way I want him dead but the occasional thought is hard not to have. He was a good father and husband. I never felt alone even when he worked away for nights I knew he was there. Thoughts were simultaneous to the point I would say what he was thinking and he would say what I was thinking. I often tried to ring him as he was ringing me. We were insink.
How do you find this again? I don't have it with anyone else. Even now things will happen with the two of us at the same time. It is really doing my head in.
I can never go back now, he will be a father to a child from a sick phsyco woman. I could never look at him or that child without hurt building up but I need to find away to overcome it.
Where do I go? another man is not doing the trick, forgiveness is not something I'm willing to give when I am not even going to get a sorry
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
suicidal or just easier to hide an affair
I am still trying to work out where I am in life - but suicide will never be the answer. At least I am sure of that.
My heart has broken many times with those that have succeeded in harming themselves permanently. I am still struggling to understand why they or anyone else got to that stage. I suppose like everyone else it is something you can just not understand and probably never will. I believe in my heart that there are those that are true victims and those that use it to get what they want.
I have known a couple of victims and I am aware of others within the friend circle who have left life this way. Sadly with them there was no sign that this would be the answer for them, they never had any signs that suicide was the solution or in fact a possible obvious answer. In fact with one close friend we still can not work out why or what drove him to that point, did something just snap?
Then there are those who make a mockery of the whole problem, who use it to manipulate others and to get what they want. My anger here is two fold, one because I know it was simply manipulation and two because of this my husband and I fell apart.
If you read my other blogs you will see I am trying to except the terms of my separation issues. It is hard when divorcing someone that they bring a third party in to the fight and you are left fighting one side alone. Our marriage was fine and even stated by him, he said that the extra contact with another woman was simply cause she was victimised, and suffering real depression. She was in our marriage constantly because she was borderline suicidal.
For four months her contact was solid, he would be the first person she text in the morning to the last person at night. Constantly everyday she would text him up to and well over 30 times a day. We would see her that night, say our goodbyes and even after that she would be texting him on the way home. It got to a point where he stopped his itemised phone bills so I wouldn't see how many times this was happening. When I asked him why he stopped the bill he said that the telephone company did this with all their customers to save on the environment. This of course is not true as I still get them itemised and do not know of anyone else who got offered this. Ironically all happened when I started to question his friendship with her.
This relationship via text and mobile phone was becoming so intrusive that even during private nights with him he would stop to answer text or reply. We would be at family functions and he would continually sneak away to the toilet texting. At my uncles funeral in the church he was texting and then after denying it all in front of friends whilst on a holiday when his phone vibrated and rang in his pocket said "no it didn't" yet everyone heard. How did he think we were all so stupid.
Finally enough was enough and I confronted him about it. I said that it was an unfair friendship on me and that it was interfering with us. He said that it was all in my head, yet when online paying phone bills I realised that not one day in the last 4 months was there a moment when they weren't texting except for when he was on his way to see her. Foolish man trying to hide an affair would ring me to say 'I'm at work, do you need me to grab something on the way home?' yet from his mobile he was under her suburbs satellite (stated on the bills) and yet work was in the opposite direction.
Finally he said to me "Don't make me choose between her friendship and our marriage" that I didn't have to answer or hear his answer, that statement said it all. It was over. I confronted her and basically said what I thought. Her reply to me was "I only ever text him when I was on the edge and about to commit suicide" I said that was 30 times a day for 4 months, by now you should have succeeded once if it was for real.
I asked them why her husband was not there for her and why mine had to be, they said that he would not listen to her bullshit and my husband was understanding. Funny that as a few months before this woman said to me "I wish I had a marriage like yours and his" Little did I know that she meant she wanted our marriage, I thought it simply was she wanted that for her and her partner. People always commented on how good we were together always saying how in love we seemed, even up to the day we left each other people were in shock saying "It was only yesterday you seemed like it was all perfect"
Well ironically to this day they are together, yet her other 7 marriages she has interfered with or destroyed in someway shows he is just another victim himself. Everyone who sees me and asks how my husband and that knew her mentions her past and her manipulative ways. This is not the first man she has trapped this way.
Her other comments to me were "well if you cant keep a man that's not my fault" and "do I have something you want". Well shit shirly what do you reckon, I had my husband for 20 years and well are you taking what I have?? Hilarious comment for someone who has had how many men in her life, and they are only the one's we know of, how many more has she been through?
This is where it all becomes unfair to the true victims of depression and suicide. I would assume that this woman is not the only person in the world that has manipulated others this way. These kind of people take the true issue and destroy it for those who really need the help. I know that through this my heart angers me when I hear people have attempted or tried suicide but have not succeeded. This frustrates me and I get worked up and begin to hate them, thinking they are selfish and manipulative. Yet I know this may not be the case, they may actually be in genuine need for help. These kind of manipulative people have destroyed and made a mockery of the real illness suicide that I am finding it hard to sympathise with those that really need the help.
I have always had major concerns about my daughter when she is in their care. For a woman who lives like this, with a reputation of a not so good mother, I now constantly live with horrible fear of a dreaded phone call. Not only is this woman a bit of head screw but an alcoholic and drink driver. What 40+ year old woman comes to a teenagers party drunk with 3 kids of her own in the back seat, flashes her boobs at the boys, ransacks the guests bags looking for supposid contraband and then brown eyes them as they leave. What 40+ yr old woman with this personality should be representing themselves as a member of the police force? This is the kind of woman I am forced to have my daughter in the care of.
For two weeks my daughter cried herself to sleep, woke up in the nights and climbed in to bed with me scared. for two weeks she could not tell me what was wrong. How can I help if I don't know what was wrong. She came back from her dad's after staying for almost a week in this state. I was not allowed to ask as he said to me that what happens or where they are in his care is none of my business, even my daughter says that she was not to talk to me about it.
So what does a mother think or how is she suppose to help? My first thought was her sick son. He had pasted on the Internet that he had touched her up, she was not frigid and definitely not a virgin. Her second son seemed like he may have had more sense and well her daughter was to young to be of any problem.
I was trying to help my daughter through a time where I had no idea what I was doing. It was hard being there for her when I could not give her positive words of encouragement. Finally she broke down and told me. This second son who I thought had some potential had tried to commit suicide, slit his wrists in the bathroom, blood everywhere and my daughter discovered this. What idiot father would think that this would not be a problem and simply let the daughter go away with no support.
Years of her, the mother pretending to be suicidal and no sign of him feeling this way. Yet he was the one who attempted this act. I wonder why people would think that I should or should not be concerned about my daughters welfare when with her. The son I thought would do it was the one who didn't.
My daughter who is close with this boy said that he did it because of his mother, all his friends said he did it cause of his mother and yet it is only his mother who says that he did it because of his girlfriend. Funny how he still has this girlfriend and at no time did they break up. 13 yrs old and he knows how to harm himself. Where on earth does a child get to that point of devastation, it should be the last thing on their mind.
My bitterness of my divorce would not be there if this kind of nutjob woman was not in the middle of it. Of all the women in the world my husband could have run of with, was this.
Worst of all - she is so unattractive, a mental case and really no personality. Did he trade up? One would think that if you are going to ruin everything for an affair it would be with some hot chick at the very least. Or is she better than me, that is the most insulting part of it all. What am I if she is all these things?
My heart has broken many times with those that have succeeded in harming themselves permanently. I am still struggling to understand why they or anyone else got to that stage. I suppose like everyone else it is something you can just not understand and probably never will. I believe in my heart that there are those that are true victims and those that use it to get what they want.
I have known a couple of victims and I am aware of others within the friend circle who have left life this way. Sadly with them there was no sign that this would be the answer for them, they never had any signs that suicide was the solution or in fact a possible obvious answer. In fact with one close friend we still can not work out why or what drove him to that point, did something just snap?
Then there are those who make a mockery of the whole problem, who use it to manipulate others and to get what they want. My anger here is two fold, one because I know it was simply manipulation and two because of this my husband and I fell apart.
If you read my other blogs you will see I am trying to except the terms of my separation issues. It is hard when divorcing someone that they bring a third party in to the fight and you are left fighting one side alone. Our marriage was fine and even stated by him, he said that the extra contact with another woman was simply cause she was victimised, and suffering real depression. She was in our marriage constantly because she was borderline suicidal.
For four months her contact was solid, he would be the first person she text in the morning to the last person at night. Constantly everyday she would text him up to and well over 30 times a day. We would see her that night, say our goodbyes and even after that she would be texting him on the way home. It got to a point where he stopped his itemised phone bills so I wouldn't see how many times this was happening. When I asked him why he stopped the bill he said that the telephone company did this with all their customers to save on the environment. This of course is not true as I still get them itemised and do not know of anyone else who got offered this. Ironically all happened when I started to question his friendship with her.
This relationship via text and mobile phone was becoming so intrusive that even during private nights with him he would stop to answer text or reply. We would be at family functions and he would continually sneak away to the toilet texting. At my uncles funeral in the church he was texting and then after denying it all in front of friends whilst on a holiday when his phone vibrated and rang in his pocket said "no it didn't" yet everyone heard. How did he think we were all so stupid.
Finally enough was enough and I confronted him about it. I said that it was an unfair friendship on me and that it was interfering with us. He said that it was all in my head, yet when online paying phone bills I realised that not one day in the last 4 months was there a moment when they weren't texting except for when he was on his way to see her. Foolish man trying to hide an affair would ring me to say 'I'm at work, do you need me to grab something on the way home?' yet from his mobile he was under her suburbs satellite (stated on the bills) and yet work was in the opposite direction.
Finally he said to me "Don't make me choose between her friendship and our marriage" that I didn't have to answer or hear his answer, that statement said it all. It was over. I confronted her and basically said what I thought. Her reply to me was "I only ever text him when I was on the edge and about to commit suicide" I said that was 30 times a day for 4 months, by now you should have succeeded once if it was for real.
I asked them why her husband was not there for her and why mine had to be, they said that he would not listen to her bullshit and my husband was understanding. Funny that as a few months before this woman said to me "I wish I had a marriage like yours and his" Little did I know that she meant she wanted our marriage, I thought it simply was she wanted that for her and her partner. People always commented on how good we were together always saying how in love we seemed, even up to the day we left each other people were in shock saying "It was only yesterday you seemed like it was all perfect"
Well ironically to this day they are together, yet her other 7 marriages she has interfered with or destroyed in someway shows he is just another victim himself. Everyone who sees me and asks how my husband and that knew her mentions her past and her manipulative ways. This is not the first man she has trapped this way.
Her other comments to me were "well if you cant keep a man that's not my fault" and "do I have something you want". Well shit shirly what do you reckon, I had my husband for 20 years and well are you taking what I have?? Hilarious comment for someone who has had how many men in her life, and they are only the one's we know of, how many more has she been through?
This is where it all becomes unfair to the true victims of depression and suicide. I would assume that this woman is not the only person in the world that has manipulated others this way. These kind of people take the true issue and destroy it for those who really need the help. I know that through this my heart angers me when I hear people have attempted or tried suicide but have not succeeded. This frustrates me and I get worked up and begin to hate them, thinking they are selfish and manipulative. Yet I know this may not be the case, they may actually be in genuine need for help. These kind of manipulative people have destroyed and made a mockery of the real illness suicide that I am finding it hard to sympathise with those that really need the help.
I have always had major concerns about my daughter when she is in their care. For a woman who lives like this, with a reputation of a not so good mother, I now constantly live with horrible fear of a dreaded phone call. Not only is this woman a bit of head screw but an alcoholic and drink driver. What 40+ year old woman comes to a teenagers party drunk with 3 kids of her own in the back seat, flashes her boobs at the boys, ransacks the guests bags looking for supposid contraband and then brown eyes them as they leave. What 40+ yr old woman with this personality should be representing themselves as a member of the police force? This is the kind of woman I am forced to have my daughter in the care of.
For two weeks my daughter cried herself to sleep, woke up in the nights and climbed in to bed with me scared. for two weeks she could not tell me what was wrong. How can I help if I don't know what was wrong. She came back from her dad's after staying for almost a week in this state. I was not allowed to ask as he said to me that what happens or where they are in his care is none of my business, even my daughter says that she was not to talk to me about it.
So what does a mother think or how is she suppose to help? My first thought was her sick son. He had pasted on the Internet that he had touched her up, she was not frigid and definitely not a virgin. Her second son seemed like he may have had more sense and well her daughter was to young to be of any problem.
I was trying to help my daughter through a time where I had no idea what I was doing. It was hard being there for her when I could not give her positive words of encouragement. Finally she broke down and told me. This second son who I thought had some potential had tried to commit suicide, slit his wrists in the bathroom, blood everywhere and my daughter discovered this. What idiot father would think that this would not be a problem and simply let the daughter go away with no support.
Years of her, the mother pretending to be suicidal and no sign of him feeling this way. Yet he was the one who attempted this act. I wonder why people would think that I should or should not be concerned about my daughters welfare when with her. The son I thought would do it was the one who didn't.
My daughter who is close with this boy said that he did it because of his mother, all his friends said he did it cause of his mother and yet it is only his mother who says that he did it because of his girlfriend. Funny how he still has this girlfriend and at no time did they break up. 13 yrs old and he knows how to harm himself. Where on earth does a child get to that point of devastation, it should be the last thing on their mind.
My bitterness of my divorce would not be there if this kind of nutjob woman was not in the middle of it. Of all the women in the world my husband could have run of with, was this.
Worst of all - she is so unattractive, a mental case and really no personality. Did he trade up? One would think that if you are going to ruin everything for an affair it would be with some hot chick at the very least. Or is she better than me, that is the most insulting part of it all. What am I if she is all these things?
Thursday, December 30, 2010
coping with separation
It is very hard when you know you are growing apart. I honestly dont think we were growing apart more than we were just tired of where we were at. We had begun renovations which seem to still be going 10 years later. I could only have one child and I new my husband wanted a boy, we had a girl. He was devastated to hear that the last male carrying his name in his family had just come out and said he was gay. The hurt he carried and how he could not even mention his name was a true sign that there was more in it, he had gay friends so he was not devastated by the choice of partners. His family name was now to die with him.
10 years in to our marriage we moved to a small rural town where friends and family were a good drive away. His job in the police force kept him out of a regular routine. His adrenalin pumping days at work brought him home to a quiet safe normal life at home but this was not a good thing. Going from a high at work to a lull at home, nothing was exciting for him. Driving out to places he would constantly spot what someone was doing wrong, looking at others as though they were guilty of something and to top that off he would constantly mention they are just "civilians". He didn't want in the end all his non police friends brushing them away.
His depression was there and we would often mention it. In his personal life it was more the fact that he had turned 40, his father had passed at 40, his mum passing at 70 and his sisters and brothers all suffering illnesses in their 40's helped fuel his depression relating to his health. We got him on a health kick but in turn this turned him in to some sort of gym nut. His diet from then only consisted of avocado, bananas and salmon. He convinced himself that this was right because the guy at the gym said he was looking good 'he was a professional'
Anyway, there may have been other things that drove him away from me but to this day he can not say what. I gave him everything, growing up with the typical housewife responsibilities knowing that I always had to be there for him. His social life was always how he wanted, he was free to come and go as he pleased. Drunk when he wanted as he knew I would be there to come and bring him home safe. Even financially we had everything and it was not I who was living off his wage, I contributed more than him financially, so what was it that separated us?
We had a female friend, another police officer. She was up to her third committment with a man, having children to them and still having affairs within her work environment. She never seem to be attracted to the unattached or those not in high positions, it was though she targeted her sites on specifics. To date I can count 7 relationships she has had a hand in destroying in her 20 years of adult life. Wonder how many I missed or didnt know about.
Often she would sit at functions ragging out the partners of friends to their faces telling them what she thought of their marriage and why they should leave. This became frustratingly annoying and I once told her I did not think it appropriate to interfere with anothers relationship.
My husband at the time said that she was misunderstood and no one liked her cause they simply did not know her. He said to me I should give her a chance. Her rumours of being a home wrecker and a bit of a slut were not true.
Well . . . fair to say he is wrong. Our marriage began to fall apart the same time I asked what was going on with her, why was she so interfering. Why was she texting all day from early in the morning to well late in to the night. She had a man at home, what was wrong with working on that relationship. He told me that it was all because she was now suicidal and only contacted him when she had the feeling to do something to herself. This went on for 4 months when I gave the ultimatum, decide your friendship with her and stop her interfering in our relationship. His response to me was "Dont make me choose" That was the decider, he had chosen so I was gone.
Now they are living together! Just friends he said, She is not interested in me he said, People are just making up stories he said. OMG I could give you a million things he said, all proven a lie. To this day I beleive he was having an affair or she knew what she was doing and was this how she trapped a man? who knows?
It's hard divorcing two police officers. With him constantly threatening me with what he can have me charged with to who would they believe in court - a policeman. Not only am I divorcing him but also his experienced girlfriend. She had done it numerous times before there is no doubt she is in his ear.
I have never bagged him out, always defended him even to this day. I have no one to give me advice on how to screw the other over as I know no one who's been there before. But I can sure tell you they are playing the game. I have never known a man to get it so good in divorce, you would fall off your seat if I told you what I left him with, the offer I made and how he still thinks this is unfair.
Next post I might just post everything he got, what he got offered and what I am left with. You would be extremely jealous if you think you got an unfair deal. Yet he still is not happy with the offer!
One example why - I got dining chairs, fine for 4/5 months until his girlfriends husband took the dining chairs in their separation, now he wants them back because they have none!! For months I slept on the floor, sat on the lounge room floor and watched NO television - thats right he got those things too!
Got a little more off my chest so now I'm taking a break . . . I will ramble on some more soon . . . thanks for listening world . . . good night xx
10 years in to our marriage we moved to a small rural town where friends and family were a good drive away. His job in the police force kept him out of a regular routine. His adrenalin pumping days at work brought him home to a quiet safe normal life at home but this was not a good thing. Going from a high at work to a lull at home, nothing was exciting for him. Driving out to places he would constantly spot what someone was doing wrong, looking at others as though they were guilty of something and to top that off he would constantly mention they are just "civilians". He didn't want in the end all his non police friends brushing them away.
His depression was there and we would often mention it. In his personal life it was more the fact that he had turned 40, his father had passed at 40, his mum passing at 70 and his sisters and brothers all suffering illnesses in their 40's helped fuel his depression relating to his health. We got him on a health kick but in turn this turned him in to some sort of gym nut. His diet from then only consisted of avocado, bananas and salmon. He convinced himself that this was right because the guy at the gym said he was looking good 'he was a professional'
Anyway, there may have been other things that drove him away from me but to this day he can not say what. I gave him everything, growing up with the typical housewife responsibilities knowing that I always had to be there for him. His social life was always how he wanted, he was free to come and go as he pleased. Drunk when he wanted as he knew I would be there to come and bring him home safe. Even financially we had everything and it was not I who was living off his wage, I contributed more than him financially, so what was it that separated us?
We had a female friend, another police officer. She was up to her third committment with a man, having children to them and still having affairs within her work environment. She never seem to be attracted to the unattached or those not in high positions, it was though she targeted her sites on specifics. To date I can count 7 relationships she has had a hand in destroying in her 20 years of adult life. Wonder how many I missed or didnt know about.
Often she would sit at functions ragging out the partners of friends to their faces telling them what she thought of their marriage and why they should leave. This became frustratingly annoying and I once told her I did not think it appropriate to interfere with anothers relationship.
My husband at the time said that she was misunderstood and no one liked her cause they simply did not know her. He said to me I should give her a chance. Her rumours of being a home wrecker and a bit of a slut were not true.
Well . . . fair to say he is wrong. Our marriage began to fall apart the same time I asked what was going on with her, why was she so interfering. Why was she texting all day from early in the morning to well late in to the night. She had a man at home, what was wrong with working on that relationship. He told me that it was all because she was now suicidal and only contacted him when she had the feeling to do something to herself. This went on for 4 months when I gave the ultimatum, decide your friendship with her and stop her interfering in our relationship. His response to me was "Dont make me choose" That was the decider, he had chosen so I was gone.
Now they are living together! Just friends he said, She is not interested in me he said, People are just making up stories he said. OMG I could give you a million things he said, all proven a lie. To this day I beleive he was having an affair or she knew what she was doing and was this how she trapped a man? who knows?
It's hard divorcing two police officers. With him constantly threatening me with what he can have me charged with to who would they believe in court - a policeman. Not only am I divorcing him but also his experienced girlfriend. She had done it numerous times before there is no doubt she is in his ear.
I have never bagged him out, always defended him even to this day. I have no one to give me advice on how to screw the other over as I know no one who's been there before. But I can sure tell you they are playing the game. I have never known a man to get it so good in divorce, you would fall off your seat if I told you what I left him with, the offer I made and how he still thinks this is unfair.
Next post I might just post everything he got, what he got offered and what I am left with. You would be extremely jealous if you think you got an unfair deal. Yet he still is not happy with the offer!
One example why - I got dining chairs, fine for 4/5 months until his girlfriends husband took the dining chairs in their separation, now he wants them back because they have none!! For months I slept on the floor, sat on the lounge room floor and watched NO television - thats right he got those things too!
Got a little more off my chest so now I'm taking a break . . . I will ramble on some more soon . . . thanks for listening world . . . good night xx
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
simply me! complicated yes but I'm here and I must make the most of it.
This is simply a blog for me, more than happy to have others follow and share but have been told to write my life, my feelings, my hurt and my happiness. Found it theraputic writing my own thoughts down privately but hiding it away, pointless. Grew up in a world where if you had nothing to say don't say it, don't burden others with your problems and that basically children should be seen not heard.
This attitude has carried in to my adult life, suppressing everything and after living 40 years and experience more than the average person I thought that putting pen to paper would help me live the next 40 years better off.
My life is simple, but in this short 40 years which has flown by so fast I have experienced things that friends believe make me a strong person, but there are some nights I get home and wish the world away. I spose we all feel like that at times and if I can share my thoughts, my life, my love, my hurt and even my hate I could feel some sense of worth and maybe even make you feel like "Life is worth Living" too and maybe give me the strength to carry on and keep fighting.
If you follow this, my plan is simple. I am not a diary keeper, nor a story teller so my blogs may be random at times, or just when I get that quiet moment in a month to sit down and put pen to paper or should I say for the younger generation typing to text.
I plan to clear my head of thoughts and move on, I have been doing that for all my life but feel some memories just never leave you and you need to deal with them, accept them and learn from them.
I'm going to touch on a few things randomly depends on my day, what is making me happy or sad and I am just gonna go for it. I do not mean anyone harm, will not name anyone or try to blame others for things that are most likely mine to bare but if you read this and you know who I am or you think of someone who sounds like me, know that we are not all much different from each other. I don't think there is a perfect life out there everyone feels the same, has the same headaches and maybe even the same family!
Will just quickly type a brief discription of my life. I am much much luckier than many and with no disrespect to anyone I am very lucky to have a healthy child, not suffered from anything terminal or carry a disabilty that hampers me from doing anything I want. But suffered the typical woes of life, getting by like everyone else.
Quick Profile
* One of the middle children in a family of 12
* Strong catholic parents with a father preaching more than religion yes the law. Extreme catholic cop! Not a believer in God myself, lost that hope many years ago.
* Many car accidents, none caused by myself - 'touch wood' as they say
* Told I could never have children, and blessed immensely with one healthy happy girl
* Burns to 40% of my body, surving an explosion and continuing my life as normal
* Being told by my ex I am not attractive enough for him . . seemed to be more painful than the burns!
* Thought the love of my life was that but then left me for a woman who supposidly said to me I was a "good friend" Yep that's 20 years of committment gone, a man who couldn't tell me what I had done.
wow!! I'm sorry just realised I don't really have much to feel sad about . . . . therapy working already
* Met a man, who seems to think I'm the world, sexy, caring, loving and fun. There really is someone out there for everyone. He may or may not be Mr Right but now willing to open up to find out.
* Still imbred in me that marriage is for life and wondering what went wrong, need to shake that!
* Trying to convince my self of "Treat them mean and keep them keen" yet can't quite do it right LOL
. . . . Anyway my thoughts for the day have all slipped away, just quickly typing this has made me feel so calm and content.
So goodnight world sleep well and I will talk again soon.
This attitude has carried in to my adult life, suppressing everything and after living 40 years and experience more than the average person I thought that putting pen to paper would help me live the next 40 years better off.
My life is simple, but in this short 40 years which has flown by so fast I have experienced things that friends believe make me a strong person, but there are some nights I get home and wish the world away. I spose we all feel like that at times and if I can share my thoughts, my life, my love, my hurt and even my hate I could feel some sense of worth and maybe even make you feel like "Life is worth Living" too and maybe give me the strength to carry on and keep fighting.
If you follow this, my plan is simple. I am not a diary keeper, nor a story teller so my blogs may be random at times, or just when I get that quiet moment in a month to sit down and put pen to paper or should I say for the younger generation typing to text.
I plan to clear my head of thoughts and move on, I have been doing that for all my life but feel some memories just never leave you and you need to deal with them, accept them and learn from them.
I'm going to touch on a few things randomly depends on my day, what is making me happy or sad and I am just gonna go for it. I do not mean anyone harm, will not name anyone or try to blame others for things that are most likely mine to bare but if you read this and you know who I am or you think of someone who sounds like me, know that we are not all much different from each other. I don't think there is a perfect life out there everyone feels the same, has the same headaches and maybe even the same family!
Will just quickly type a brief discription of my life. I am much much luckier than many and with no disrespect to anyone I am very lucky to have a healthy child, not suffered from anything terminal or carry a disabilty that hampers me from doing anything I want. But suffered the typical woes of life, getting by like everyone else.
Quick Profile
* One of the middle children in a family of 12
* Strong catholic parents with a father preaching more than religion yes the law. Extreme catholic cop! Not a believer in God myself, lost that hope many years ago.
* Many car accidents, none caused by myself - 'touch wood' as they say
* Told I could never have children, and blessed immensely with one healthy happy girl
* Burns to 40% of my body, surving an explosion and continuing my life as normal
* Being told by my ex I am not attractive enough for him . . seemed to be more painful than the burns!
* Thought the love of my life was that but then left me for a woman who supposidly said to me I was a "good friend" Yep that's 20 years of committment gone, a man who couldn't tell me what I had done.
wow!! I'm sorry just realised I don't really have much to feel sad about . . . . therapy working already
* Met a man, who seems to think I'm the world, sexy, caring, loving and fun. There really is someone out there for everyone. He may or may not be Mr Right but now willing to open up to find out.
* Still imbred in me that marriage is for life and wondering what went wrong, need to shake that!
* Trying to convince my self of "Treat them mean and keep them keen" yet can't quite do it right LOL
. . . . Anyway my thoughts for the day have all slipped away, just quickly typing this has made me feel so calm and content.
So goodnight world sleep well and I will talk again soon.
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