suicidal, pregnant and now lonely

Well I'm neither suicidal or pregnant it was the excuse and reason my husband left for another woman.  But I can tell you that learning to live with knowing this has made me realise how lonely it hurts.

I have all the friends anyone could ask for.  In my separation I gained so much support from both my inlaws and from my husbands friends and colleagues that that strengthened me enormously.  But still I have the feeling of not having anyone truly to share my feelings with. 

My husbands affair began when a friend kept calling my husband saying that without him she was suicidal.  This I could not handle I gave him the choice and he chose her over me, saying I could not force him to make him choose.  This is how she caught her 2nd husband and her 3rd husband and had numerous affairs on them screaming in the work place over the phone to numerous men.  Well with her 2nd and her 3rd she was pregnant within 2 months.  MY HUSBAND IT TOOK 4 MONTHS.  Little bit slow to secure a man but she did it.

Now I'm just waiting to see how long before she leaves him and lives off his child support and anything else she can suck out of him.

How hard is it to say how you really feel to people.  20 years I was with him to this nothing overnight.  Most times now I sit and think how easy it would have been to move on if he had of just passed from this world.  Is that wrong? I know there are days that my hate builds when he provokes me, intimidates me or threatens me with not giving in to his divorce settlement that I wish him dead, but honestly I think grief from him dying and not leaving would have been so much easier on me.

I have a child to him, there is no way I want him dead but the occasional thought is hard not to have.  He was a good father and husband.  I never felt alone even when he worked away for nights I knew he was there.  Thoughts were simultaneous to the point I would say what he was thinking and he would say what I was thinking.  I often tried to ring him as he was ringing me.  We were insink.

How do you find this again?  I don't have it with anyone else.  Even now things will happen with the two of us at the same time.  It is really doing my head in.

I can never go back now, he will be a father to a child from a sick phsyco woman.  I could never look at him or that child without hurt building up but I need to find away to overcome it. 

Where do I go?  another man is not doing the trick, forgiveness is not something I'm willing to give when I am not even going to get a sorry