Well I'm neither suicidal or pregnant it was the excuse and reason my husband left for another woman. But I can tell you that learning to live with knowing this has made me realise how lonely it hurts.
I have all the friends anyone could ask for. In my separation I gained so much support from both my inlaws and from my husbands friends and colleagues that that strengthened me enormously. But still I have the feeling of not having anyone truly to share my feelings with.
My husbands affair began when a friend kept calling my husband saying that without him she was suicidal. This I could not handle I gave him the choice and he chose her over me, saying I could not force him to make him choose. This is how she caught her 2nd husband and her 3rd husband and had numerous affairs on them screaming in the work place over the phone to numerous men. Well with her 2nd and her 3rd she was pregnant within 2 months. MY HUSBAND IT TOOK 4 MONTHS. Little bit slow to secure a man but she did it.
Now I'm just waiting to see how long before she leaves him and lives off his child support and anything else she can suck out of him.
How hard is it to say how you really feel to people. 20 years I was with him to this nothing overnight. Most times now I sit and think how easy it would have been to move on if he had of just passed from this world. Is that wrong? I know there are days that my hate builds when he provokes me, intimidates me or threatens me with not giving in to his divorce settlement that I wish him dead, but honestly I think grief from him dying and not leaving would have been so much easier on me.
I have a child to him, there is no way I want him dead but the occasional thought is hard not to have. He was a good father and husband. I never felt alone even when he worked away for nights I knew he was there. Thoughts were simultaneous to the point I would say what he was thinking and he would say what I was thinking. I often tried to ring him as he was ringing me. We were insink.
How do you find this again? I don't have it with anyone else. Even now things will happen with the two of us at the same time. It is really doing my head in.
I can never go back now, he will be a father to a child from a sick phsyco woman. I could never look at him or that child without hurt building up but I need to find away to overcome it.
Where do I go? another man is not doing the trick, forgiveness is not something I'm willing to give when I am not even going to get a sorry
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
suicidal or just easier to hide an affair
I am still trying to work out where I am in life - but suicide will never be the answer. At least I am sure of that.
My heart has broken many times with those that have succeeded in harming themselves permanently. I am still struggling to understand why they or anyone else got to that stage. I suppose like everyone else it is something you can just not understand and probably never will. I believe in my heart that there are those that are true victims and those that use it to get what they want.
I have known a couple of victims and I am aware of others within the friend circle who have left life this way. Sadly with them there was no sign that this would be the answer for them, they never had any signs that suicide was the solution or in fact a possible obvious answer. In fact with one close friend we still can not work out why or what drove him to that point, did something just snap?
Then there are those who make a mockery of the whole problem, who use it to manipulate others and to get what they want. My anger here is two fold, one because I know it was simply manipulation and two because of this my husband and I fell apart.
If you read my other blogs you will see I am trying to except the terms of my separation issues. It is hard when divorcing someone that they bring a third party in to the fight and you are left fighting one side alone. Our marriage was fine and even stated by him, he said that the extra contact with another woman was simply cause she was victimised, and suffering real depression. She was in our marriage constantly because she was borderline suicidal.
For four months her contact was solid, he would be the first person she text in the morning to the last person at night. Constantly everyday she would text him up to and well over 30 times a day. We would see her that night, say our goodbyes and even after that she would be texting him on the way home. It got to a point where he stopped his itemised phone bills so I wouldn't see how many times this was happening. When I asked him why he stopped the bill he said that the telephone company did this with all their customers to save on the environment. This of course is not true as I still get them itemised and do not know of anyone else who got offered this. Ironically all happened when I started to question his friendship with her.
This relationship via text and mobile phone was becoming so intrusive that even during private nights with him he would stop to answer text or reply. We would be at family functions and he would continually sneak away to the toilet texting. At my uncles funeral in the church he was texting and then after denying it all in front of friends whilst on a holiday when his phone vibrated and rang in his pocket said "no it didn't" yet everyone heard. How did he think we were all so stupid.
Finally enough was enough and I confronted him about it. I said that it was an unfair friendship on me and that it was interfering with us. He said that it was all in my head, yet when online paying phone bills I realised that not one day in the last 4 months was there a moment when they weren't texting except for when he was on his way to see her. Foolish man trying to hide an affair would ring me to say 'I'm at work, do you need me to grab something on the way home?' yet from his mobile he was under her suburbs satellite (stated on the bills) and yet work was in the opposite direction.
Finally he said to me "Don't make me choose between her friendship and our marriage" that I didn't have to answer or hear his answer, that statement said it all. It was over. I confronted her and basically said what I thought. Her reply to me was "I only ever text him when I was on the edge and about to commit suicide" I said that was 30 times a day for 4 months, by now you should have succeeded once if it was for real.
I asked them why her husband was not there for her and why mine had to be, they said that he would not listen to her bullshit and my husband was understanding. Funny that as a few months before this woman said to me "I wish I had a marriage like yours and his" Little did I know that she meant she wanted our marriage, I thought it simply was she wanted that for her and her partner. People always commented on how good we were together always saying how in love we seemed, even up to the day we left each other people were in shock saying "It was only yesterday you seemed like it was all perfect"
Well ironically to this day they are together, yet her other 7 marriages she has interfered with or destroyed in someway shows he is just another victim himself. Everyone who sees me and asks how my husband and that knew her mentions her past and her manipulative ways. This is not the first man she has trapped this way.
Her other comments to me were "well if you cant keep a man that's not my fault" and "do I have something you want". Well shit shirly what do you reckon, I had my husband for 20 years and well are you taking what I have?? Hilarious comment for someone who has had how many men in her life, and they are only the one's we know of, how many more has she been through?
This is where it all becomes unfair to the true victims of depression and suicide. I would assume that this woman is not the only person in the world that has manipulated others this way. These kind of people take the true issue and destroy it for those who really need the help. I know that through this my heart angers me when I hear people have attempted or tried suicide but have not succeeded. This frustrates me and I get worked up and begin to hate them, thinking they are selfish and manipulative. Yet I know this may not be the case, they may actually be in genuine need for help. These kind of manipulative people have destroyed and made a mockery of the real illness suicide that I am finding it hard to sympathise with those that really need the help.
I have always had major concerns about my daughter when she is in their care. For a woman who lives like this, with a reputation of a not so good mother, I now constantly live with horrible fear of a dreaded phone call. Not only is this woman a bit of head screw but an alcoholic and drink driver. What 40+ year old woman comes to a teenagers party drunk with 3 kids of her own in the back seat, flashes her boobs at the boys, ransacks the guests bags looking for supposid contraband and then brown eyes them as they leave. What 40+ yr old woman with this personality should be representing themselves as a member of the police force? This is the kind of woman I am forced to have my daughter in the care of.
For two weeks my daughter cried herself to sleep, woke up in the nights and climbed in to bed with me scared. for two weeks she could not tell me what was wrong. How can I help if I don't know what was wrong. She came back from her dad's after staying for almost a week in this state. I was not allowed to ask as he said to me that what happens or where they are in his care is none of my business, even my daughter says that she was not to talk to me about it.
So what does a mother think or how is she suppose to help? My first thought was her sick son. He had pasted on the Internet that he had touched her up, she was not frigid and definitely not a virgin. Her second son seemed like he may have had more sense and well her daughter was to young to be of any problem.
I was trying to help my daughter through a time where I had no idea what I was doing. It was hard being there for her when I could not give her positive words of encouragement. Finally she broke down and told me. This second son who I thought had some potential had tried to commit suicide, slit his wrists in the bathroom, blood everywhere and my daughter discovered this. What idiot father would think that this would not be a problem and simply let the daughter go away with no support.
Years of her, the mother pretending to be suicidal and no sign of him feeling this way. Yet he was the one who attempted this act. I wonder why people would think that I should or should not be concerned about my daughters welfare when with her. The son I thought would do it was the one who didn't.
My daughter who is close with this boy said that he did it because of his mother, all his friends said he did it cause of his mother and yet it is only his mother who says that he did it because of his girlfriend. Funny how he still has this girlfriend and at no time did they break up. 13 yrs old and he knows how to harm himself. Where on earth does a child get to that point of devastation, it should be the last thing on their mind.
My bitterness of my divorce would not be there if this kind of nutjob woman was not in the middle of it. Of all the women in the world my husband could have run of with, was this.
Worst of all - she is so unattractive, a mental case and really no personality. Did he trade up? One would think that if you are going to ruin everything for an affair it would be with some hot chick at the very least. Or is she better than me, that is the most insulting part of it all. What am I if she is all these things?
My heart has broken many times with those that have succeeded in harming themselves permanently. I am still struggling to understand why they or anyone else got to that stage. I suppose like everyone else it is something you can just not understand and probably never will. I believe in my heart that there are those that are true victims and those that use it to get what they want.
I have known a couple of victims and I am aware of others within the friend circle who have left life this way. Sadly with them there was no sign that this would be the answer for them, they never had any signs that suicide was the solution or in fact a possible obvious answer. In fact with one close friend we still can not work out why or what drove him to that point, did something just snap?
Then there are those who make a mockery of the whole problem, who use it to manipulate others and to get what they want. My anger here is two fold, one because I know it was simply manipulation and two because of this my husband and I fell apart.
If you read my other blogs you will see I am trying to except the terms of my separation issues. It is hard when divorcing someone that they bring a third party in to the fight and you are left fighting one side alone. Our marriage was fine and even stated by him, he said that the extra contact with another woman was simply cause she was victimised, and suffering real depression. She was in our marriage constantly because she was borderline suicidal.
For four months her contact was solid, he would be the first person she text in the morning to the last person at night. Constantly everyday she would text him up to and well over 30 times a day. We would see her that night, say our goodbyes and even after that she would be texting him on the way home. It got to a point where he stopped his itemised phone bills so I wouldn't see how many times this was happening. When I asked him why he stopped the bill he said that the telephone company did this with all their customers to save on the environment. This of course is not true as I still get them itemised and do not know of anyone else who got offered this. Ironically all happened when I started to question his friendship with her.
This relationship via text and mobile phone was becoming so intrusive that even during private nights with him he would stop to answer text or reply. We would be at family functions and he would continually sneak away to the toilet texting. At my uncles funeral in the church he was texting and then after denying it all in front of friends whilst on a holiday when his phone vibrated and rang in his pocket said "no it didn't" yet everyone heard. How did he think we were all so stupid.
Finally enough was enough and I confronted him about it. I said that it was an unfair friendship on me and that it was interfering with us. He said that it was all in my head, yet when online paying phone bills I realised that not one day in the last 4 months was there a moment when they weren't texting except for when he was on his way to see her. Foolish man trying to hide an affair would ring me to say 'I'm at work, do you need me to grab something on the way home?' yet from his mobile he was under her suburbs satellite (stated on the bills) and yet work was in the opposite direction.
Finally he said to me "Don't make me choose between her friendship and our marriage" that I didn't have to answer or hear his answer, that statement said it all. It was over. I confronted her and basically said what I thought. Her reply to me was "I only ever text him when I was on the edge and about to commit suicide" I said that was 30 times a day for 4 months, by now you should have succeeded once if it was for real.
I asked them why her husband was not there for her and why mine had to be, they said that he would not listen to her bullshit and my husband was understanding. Funny that as a few months before this woman said to me "I wish I had a marriage like yours and his" Little did I know that she meant she wanted our marriage, I thought it simply was she wanted that for her and her partner. People always commented on how good we were together always saying how in love we seemed, even up to the day we left each other people were in shock saying "It was only yesterday you seemed like it was all perfect"
Well ironically to this day they are together, yet her other 7 marriages she has interfered with or destroyed in someway shows he is just another victim himself. Everyone who sees me and asks how my husband and that knew her mentions her past and her manipulative ways. This is not the first man she has trapped this way.
Her other comments to me were "well if you cant keep a man that's not my fault" and "do I have something you want". Well shit shirly what do you reckon, I had my husband for 20 years and well are you taking what I have?? Hilarious comment for someone who has had how many men in her life, and they are only the one's we know of, how many more has she been through?
This is where it all becomes unfair to the true victims of depression and suicide. I would assume that this woman is not the only person in the world that has manipulated others this way. These kind of people take the true issue and destroy it for those who really need the help. I know that through this my heart angers me when I hear people have attempted or tried suicide but have not succeeded. This frustrates me and I get worked up and begin to hate them, thinking they are selfish and manipulative. Yet I know this may not be the case, they may actually be in genuine need for help. These kind of manipulative people have destroyed and made a mockery of the real illness suicide that I am finding it hard to sympathise with those that really need the help.
I have always had major concerns about my daughter when she is in their care. For a woman who lives like this, with a reputation of a not so good mother, I now constantly live with horrible fear of a dreaded phone call. Not only is this woman a bit of head screw but an alcoholic and drink driver. What 40+ year old woman comes to a teenagers party drunk with 3 kids of her own in the back seat, flashes her boobs at the boys, ransacks the guests bags looking for supposid contraband and then brown eyes them as they leave. What 40+ yr old woman with this personality should be representing themselves as a member of the police force? This is the kind of woman I am forced to have my daughter in the care of.
For two weeks my daughter cried herself to sleep, woke up in the nights and climbed in to bed with me scared. for two weeks she could not tell me what was wrong. How can I help if I don't know what was wrong. She came back from her dad's after staying for almost a week in this state. I was not allowed to ask as he said to me that what happens or where they are in his care is none of my business, even my daughter says that she was not to talk to me about it.
So what does a mother think or how is she suppose to help? My first thought was her sick son. He had pasted on the Internet that he had touched her up, she was not frigid and definitely not a virgin. Her second son seemed like he may have had more sense and well her daughter was to young to be of any problem.
I was trying to help my daughter through a time where I had no idea what I was doing. It was hard being there for her when I could not give her positive words of encouragement. Finally she broke down and told me. This second son who I thought had some potential had tried to commit suicide, slit his wrists in the bathroom, blood everywhere and my daughter discovered this. What idiot father would think that this would not be a problem and simply let the daughter go away with no support.
Years of her, the mother pretending to be suicidal and no sign of him feeling this way. Yet he was the one who attempted this act. I wonder why people would think that I should or should not be concerned about my daughters welfare when with her. The son I thought would do it was the one who didn't.
My daughter who is close with this boy said that he did it because of his mother, all his friends said he did it cause of his mother and yet it is only his mother who says that he did it because of his girlfriend. Funny how he still has this girlfriend and at no time did they break up. 13 yrs old and he knows how to harm himself. Where on earth does a child get to that point of devastation, it should be the last thing on their mind.
My bitterness of my divorce would not be there if this kind of nutjob woman was not in the middle of it. Of all the women in the world my husband could have run of with, was this.
Worst of all - she is so unattractive, a mental case and really no personality. Did he trade up? One would think that if you are going to ruin everything for an affair it would be with some hot chick at the very least. Or is she better than me, that is the most insulting part of it all. What am I if she is all these things?
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