coping with separation

It is very hard when you know you are growing apart.  I honestly dont think we were growing apart more than we were just tired of where we were at.  We had begun renovations which seem to still be going 10 years later.  I could only have one child and I new my husband wanted a boy, we had a girl.  He was devastated to hear that the last male carrying his name in his family had just come out and said he was gay.  The hurt he carried and how he could not even mention his name was a true sign that there was more in it, he had gay friends so he was not devastated by the choice of partners.  His family name was now to die with him.

10 years in to our marriage we moved to a small rural town where friends and family were a good drive away.  His job in the police force kept him out of a regular routine.  His adrenalin pumping days at work brought him home to a quiet safe normal life at home but this was not a good thing.  Going from a high at work to a lull at home, nothing was exciting for him.  Driving out to places he would constantly spot what someone was doing wrong, looking at others as though they were guilty of something and to top that off he would constantly mention they are just "civilians".  He didn't want in the end all his non police friends brushing them away.

His depression was there and we would often mention it.  In his personal life it was more the fact that he had turned 40, his father had passed at 40, his mum passing at 70 and his sisters and brothers all suffering illnesses in their 40's helped fuel his depression relating to his health.  We got him on a health kick but in turn this turned him in to some sort of gym nut.  His diet from then only consisted of avocado, bananas and salmon.  He convinced himself that this was right because the guy at the gym said he was looking good 'he was a professional'

Anyway, there may have been other things that drove him away from me but to this day he can not say what.  I gave him everything, growing up with the typical housewife responsibilities  knowing that I always had to be there for him. His social life was always how he wanted, he was free to come and go as he pleased.  Drunk when he wanted as he knew I would be there to come and bring him home safe.  Even financially we had everything and it was not I who was living off his wage, I contributed more than him financially, so what was it that separated us?

We had a female friend, another police officer.  She was up to her third committment with a man, having children to them and still having affairs within her work environment.  She never seem to be attracted to the unattached or those not in high positions, it was though she targeted her sites on specifics. To date I can count 7 relationships she has had a hand in destroying in her 20 years of adult life.  Wonder how many I missed or didnt know about.
Often she would sit at functions ragging out the partners of friends to their faces telling them what she thought of their marriage and why they should leave.  This became frustratingly annoying and I once told her I did not think it appropriate to interfere with anothers relationship. 
My husband at the time said that she was misunderstood and no one liked her cause they simply did not know her.  He said to me I should give her a chance.  Her rumours of being a home wrecker and a bit of a slut were not true.

Well . . . fair to say he is wrong.  Our marriage began to fall apart the same time I asked what was going on with her, why was she so interfering.  Why was she texting all day from early in the morning to well late in to the night.  She had a man at home, what was wrong with working on that relationship.  He told me that it was all because she was now suicidal and only contacted him when she had the feeling to do something to herself.  This went on for 4 months when I gave the ultimatum, decide your friendship with her and stop her interfering in our relationship.  His response to me was "Dont make me choose"  That was the decider, he had chosen so I was gone.

Now they are living together!  Just friends he said, She is not interested in me he said, People are just making up stories he said.  OMG I could give you a million things he said, all proven a lie.  To this day I beleive he was having an affair or she knew what she was doing and was this how she trapped a man? who knows?

It's hard divorcing two police officers.  With him constantly threatening me with what he can have me charged with to who would they believe in court - a policeman.  Not only am I divorcing him but also his experienced girlfriend.  She had done it numerous times before there is no doubt she is in his ear.

I have never bagged him out, always defended him even to this day.  I have no one to give me advice on how to screw the other over as I know no one who's been there before.  But I can sure tell you they are playing the game.  I have never known a man to get it so good in divorce, you would fall off your seat if I told you what I left him with, the offer I made and how he still thinks this is unfair. 

Next post I might just post everything he got, what he got offered and what I am left with.  You would be extremely jealous if you think you got an unfair deal.  Yet he still is not happy with the offer!

One example why - I got dining chairs, fine for 4/5 months until his girlfriends husband took the dining chairs in their separation, now he wants them back because they have none!! For months I slept on the floor, sat on the lounge room floor and watched NO television - thats right he got those things too!

Got a little more off my chest so now I'm taking a break . . . I will ramble on some more soon . . . thanks for listening world . . . good night xx

simply me! complicated yes but I'm here and I must make the most of it.

This is simply a blog for me, more than happy to have others follow and share but have been told to write my life, my feelings, my hurt and my happiness.  Found it theraputic writing my own thoughts down privately but hiding it away, pointless.  Grew up in a world where if you had nothing to say don't say it, don't burden others with your problems and that basically children should be seen not heard.
This attitude has carried in to my adult life, suppressing everything and after living 40 years and experience more than the average person I thought that putting pen to paper would help me live the next 40 years better off.
My life is simple, but in this short 40 years which has flown by so fast I have experienced things that friends believe make me a strong person, but there are some nights I get home and wish the world away.  I spose we all feel like that at times and if I can share my thoughts, my life, my love, my hurt and even my hate I could feel some sense of worth and maybe even make you feel like "Life is worth Living" too and maybe give me the strength to carry on and keep fighting.
If you follow this, my plan is simple.  I am not a diary keeper, nor a story teller so my blogs may be random at times, or just when I get that quiet moment in a month to sit down and put pen to paper or should I say for the younger generation typing to text.
I plan to clear my head of thoughts and move on, I have been doing that for all my life but feel some memories just never leave you and you need to deal with them, accept them and learn from them.
I'm going to touch on a few things randomly depends on my day, what is making me happy or sad and I am just gonna go for it.  I do not mean anyone harm, will not name anyone or try to blame others for things that are most likely mine to bare but if you read this and you know who I am or you think of someone who sounds like me, know that we are not all much different from each other.  I don't think there is a perfect life out there everyone feels the same, has the same headaches and maybe even the same family!

Will just quickly type a brief discription of my life.  I am much much luckier than many and with no disrespect to anyone I am very lucky to have a healthy child, not suffered from anything terminal or carry a disabilty that hampers me from doing anything I want.  But suffered the typical woes of life, getting by like everyone else.

Quick Profile
*  One of the middle children in a family of 12
*  Strong catholic parents with a father preaching more than religion yes the law. Extreme catholic cop! Not a believer in God myself, lost that hope many years ago.
*  Many car accidents, none caused by myself - 'touch wood' as they say
*  Told I could never have children, and blessed immensely with one healthy happy girl
*  Burns to 40% of my body, surving an explosion and continuing my life as normal
*  Being told by my ex I am not attractive enough for him . . seemed to be more painful than the burns!
*  Thought the love of my life was that but then left me for a woman who supposidly said to me I was a "good friend" Yep that's 20 years of committment gone, a man who couldn't tell me what I had done.

wow!!  I'm sorry just realised I don't really have much to feel sad about . . . . therapy working already

*  Met a man, who seems to think I'm the world, sexy, caring, loving and fun.  There really is someone out there for everyone.  He may or may not be Mr Right but now willing to open up to find out.
*  Still imbred in me that marriage is for life and wondering what went wrong, need to shake that!
*  Trying to convince my self of "Treat them mean and keep them keen"  yet can't quite do it right LOL


. . . . Anyway my thoughts for the day have all slipped away, just quickly typing this has made me feel so calm and content.

So goodnight world sleep well and I will talk again soon.